


I Want a New

by neveralarch



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen, Unapologetic Crack, should have been posted last summer back when I actually wrote it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-22
Updated: 2013-03-22
Packaged: 2017-12-06 02:25:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/730522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neveralarch/pseuds/neveralarch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The radiation changed Bruce. But not into the Hulk. (Extremely cracky AU for the movie.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Want a New

**Author's Note:**

> This was basically done last summer, but I'm posting it now because I want it out of my wips folder! I would apologize for the delay, but no one was waiting for this! I feel like I should apologize for the fic in general, but I'm not going to! _The heart wants what it wants_. Half-credit/blame for the original idea goes to my brother Elijah.

The experiment is going wrong, the gamma radiation is building, and Bruce is starting to lose it. He's spent years on this work, and now it's all ruined, and he's going to _die_ , and he's so _angry_ -

Bruce feels his body change and contort, and his scream melts into an animal noise of rage.

Betty is saying something from behind the glass that separates the experiment from the control room, but Bruce is draining away, being replaced by something else. The last thing he hears before he's gone completely is "my God, the feathers-"

When Bruce wakes up, he's flown out of the compound. The military is after him. He tries to reason with them, explain how ridiculous this all is, but General Ross wants to use Bruce's research in the most terrible of ways. Bruce runs until he's safe, and then keeps running until he can't hear the phantom beat of wings. It takes a lot longer to escape the wings than it took to escape the army.

\---

Several years later, the world's in danger.

"We need you to talk to the quack," says Coulson.

"That's a funny way to talk about Stark," says Natasha. It's fitting, and she smiles, but it's not like Coulson to make jokes that his audience can laugh at.

"No, I've got Stark," says Coulson, and Natasha's blood runs cold as she realizes what he must mean, _who_ he must mean. "You get the quack."

\---

The woman in the little ramshackle house is beautiful, and deadly, and shaking with fear. Just a little, but enough that Bruce can see it, feel the tension in the room.

"Are you here to kill me, Miss Romanoff? Because that's not going to work out for everyone." Like me, Bruce adds, internally. Especially me.

"No, of course not," says Romanoff, and spins a tale of high technology and armageddon. Bruce listens with half of his attention, trying to figure out what she's not saying.

"So Fury isn't after the animal?" asks Bruce.

"Not that he's told me," says Romanoff. "He needs you on this."

"He needs me in a cage?" asks Bruce. "A pet carrier?"

"No one's going to-"

Bruce slams the table between them, leans into her space, screams "Stop _lying_ to me!"

The gun is in Romanoff's hand before Bruce has a chance to blink. She's breathing hard, and Bruce backs off, slowly. Her eyes follow his every move, and her aim is steady and sure.

"I'm sorry," says Bruce, "that was mean. I just wanted to see- no one's scared of me, Natasha. Why are you?"

"Anatidaephobia," says Romanoff. "Just stay human, if you can manage it."

"I've been entirely human for a year," says Bruce. "Just put down the gun, and we won't have any kind of incident."

Romanoff holsters the gun, but every line and coiled muscle of her body is a warning, a threat to ensure good behavior. Bruce holds up his hands and tries to look harmless.

\---

Usually when people find out about Bruce's condition, they just think it's weird. The Avengers, though, they're something else. Natasha's scared of him, and Captain Rogers - Steve - treats him with respect. Nick Fury wants Bruce for his expertise, not his feathers. And even Tony Stark, billionaire rockstar engineer, seems to think that Bruce is worthwhile. When he sees Bruce standing off to the side during the initial briefing, he walks right up and claps Bruce on the arm.

"Doctor Banner," he says, "your work is unparalleled. And I'm a huge fan of the way you turn into an angry green-and-brown flapping thing."

Bruce stares at him for a second. "Thanks?"

Everyone in the room either looks knowing or confused. But Tony Stark smirks, and keeps smirking. In the lab, later, he takes every opportunity to try and startle Bruce - sneaking up behind him, stepping on his feet, jabbing him in the side - but Bruce has worked long and hard for his control, and he's not going to let it slip.

"Ow," he says, after another one of Tony's failed attempts.

"You really have got a lid on it, haven't you?" Tony almost sounds admiring. "What's your secret?"

"What are you doing?" demands Steve from the doorway. "Don't- Don't _poke_ him. You could get us all killed!"

Bruce and Tony exchange glances.

"It's okay, Steve," begins Bruce, but Tony interrupts him.

"No one's going to get killed. Like, seriously, what's the worst thing that could happen? We find out someone's allergic?"

Steve looks confused. "The file said that Doctor Banner has some kind of radioactive monster living inside of him. Fueled by anger."

"Steve," says Bruce, gently, "when I'm angry, I turn into a duck."

There would be a meaningful and thoughtful silence, if Tony Stark wasn't in the room. But instead, there's "Yeah, and wouldn't it be _adorable_? Bruce, you're pretty great, but I still want to see the feathery cuddly version."

"The other guy isn't very cuddly," says Bruce, but now Steve is interrupting.

"A _duck_?" he asks. "That's what everyone is worrying about?"

"An angry duck," says Bruce. He feels compelled to defend the other guy - he can hear the vicious quacking in the back of his mind. "He bites people."

"I heard," says Tony, "that the last time General Ross caught up with Bruce, the Duck got his nose and wouldn't let go. Scene of carnage."

"Ross made a full recovery," says Bruce, trying to be reassuring.

"A giant duck?" asks Steve, like he's exploring every possible angle.

"No, just a wood duck." Bruce gestures with his hands. "About so big."

Steve looks disappointed. "Why is the military even chasing you?"

Bruce clenches his jaw, and his answer comes out tight as he forces himself not to give in to the anger. "To use as a weapon," he says. "Imagine a pond, full of ducks. They look calm, serene. You draw closer, lulled into a false sense of security. Maybe you have some bread in your pocket, ducks love bread. And then there's a rush of feathers and every one of those ducks turns into an American soldier. Holding AK-47s." There are tears prickling at the corners of Bruce's eyes. "You were going to feed those ducks, Steve!"

"Why would American soldiers have Russian guns?" asks Tony.

"Look, I'm a nuclear physicist, not a weapons dealer," says Bruce. "I just picked a gun."

"Probably have M4 carbines," mutters Tony.

"This is ridiculous," says Steve. "Is this a joke?"

"Oh, no." Bruce smiles, bitterly. "This is my life."

\---

Predictably, Loki's arrival has made everyone tense and unhappy. Everyone's in the lab, arguing and crowding each other. Bruce feels claustrophobic, and it makes him angrier. He shows it more than he should, during the argument, and Fury picks up on it.

"Doctor Banner." Fury's tone is calm, but his hand is on his gun. "You need to calm down, or-"

"Or what?" asks Bruce. "Or you'll kill me? You can't! I know! I tried!" Tony looks horrified, so do most of the people in the room, but Bruce can't stop himself. "I got low. I didn't see an end, so I put a bullet in my mouth, and the other guy quacked it out."

There's a pause. Steve has his hand over his mouth.

"And then he dropped the gun," adds Bruce. "Because ducks don't have any fingers."

He can hear Steve giggling through his fingers. At least Tony still looks concerned.

\---

Natasha struggles with the debris trapping her leg while Bruce Banner groans next to her. The attack on the Helicarrier couldn't have come at a worse time, with worse company. Bruce seems like a nice guy, but he's the last person in the world that Natasha wants to be stuck with during a stressful situation.

"Bruce, you've got to fight it," she says, urgently. "This is just what Loki wants."

Bruce's skin is rippling as he pushes himself up on his elbows. Natasha thinks she can see his arms flattening and broadening, the suggestion of feathers on his face.

"Listen to me," she says. "We're going to be okay."

But Bruce is gone, shrinking, fathers growing, beak protruding. Natasha manages to free her leg and runs, hobbling. The Duck quacks, sharp with rage, and Natasha looks over her shoulder, just once.

The Duck is watching her.

Natasha screams, and runs faster.

Later, the Duck tries to fly out of the Helicarrier to attack a jet, gets caught in a slipstream and is blown away. Natasha tries to feel bad for Bruce Banner, but actually she just feels relieved.

\---

Bruce wakes up, slowly. There's sunlight on his face, filtering through a very small hole in the roof. He's naked. He always loses his clothes when the other guy takes over - ducks don't like pants, and shirts just get in the way of flying.

"Okay there?" An older man is standing over him. "I saw you come through the ceiling, but you were still a bird."

Bruce groans something like 'I'm fine.' It doesn't sound very convincing to him, but the man nods his head and drops a pair of pants into Bruce's arms.

"Thought you might need them when you were human again," says the man, and Bruce thanks him as he tries to struggle into the pants.

"Are you an alien?" asks the man.

"What?"

"From outer space? The planet Duckotron? Maybe the Avian galaxy?"

"No," says Bruce, and then, feeling that this is not enough, "sorry."

The man pushes up his hat and rubs at his forehead. "Son," he says, seriously, "you've got a condition. I'm sure they make creams for this."

\---

Everything looks bleak in the rubble of New York. Steve feels reduced to a bundle of limbs and a shield, a machine for fighting and fighting until he can't anymore. Stark seems convinced that Doctor Banner is going to show up. Steve's not sure why, or what Banner would even do if he got here.

"He could be another flying distraction," says Stark. "That's basically all I'm good for right now."

"Stark, you have laser beams," says Steve.

"Repulsors."

"Whatever. And missiles. Banner has a beak."

"He's indestructible!" says Stark, and then has to stop arguing because one of the giant Chitauri troop carrier beasts is getting too close. Just as well, because that's when Banner shows up, driving a motorcycle.

"Banner," says Steve, resigning himself to being the captain of a farce, "we need every person on the ground or in the air. I think now might be a good time for you to get angry."

Banner gets off the motorcycle, and turns toward the enemy that surrounds them. "That's my secret, Cap," he says. "I'm always angry."

His back arches, his arms sprout into wings, his face elongates into a beak, and he shrinks and shrinks until he is a fraction of his human self. A wood duck drake flaps its wings, its green head and crest gleaming in the dusty light of the battle.

"That didn't make any sense," says Steve. "What was that supposed to mean?"

The Duck ignores him and launches itself into the air, grabbing a Chitauri warrior by the nose and sending its vehicle crashing into a building.

"Can't argue with results," crackles Stark in Steve's ear, and Steve just gives up on sense and goes back to fighting.

\---

The battle's over and they're all standing over Tony. Thor caught him as he fell out of the sky, but he's not breathing and Steve should probably start CPR. He's not going to be able to do chest compressions through the armor, though, and-

The Duck quacks, loud and strong enough to wake the dead. Tony chokes back into life.

"What just happened?" demands Tony, as soon as he can talk. "Please tell me nobody kissed me."

Steve clears his throat, and looks pointedly at the Duck. Tony gives it a considering look, and then winks at it.

"Let's get shawarma," he says. "Do ducks eat shawarma?"

The Duck quacks again, and Steve could swear that he sees it grin.

\---

Epilogue:

"Just say it," says Clint.

"It's not funny anymore," says Bruce. "All the jokes were used up by 2003."

"But Cap and Thor haven't heard it yet," insists Clint.

Bruce glances over at the rest of the Avengers, all sitting around the table, waiting for debriefing. Thor is looking at them curiously, and Tony is definitely egging Clint on, but Natasha and Steve are looking away, not wanting to get involved.

"They won't get it," says Bruce, but he can feel his resolve crumbling.

"Come on, what do you have to lose," wheedles Clint.

"My dignity," mumbles Bruce. 

Clint gives him a look that says Bruce already forfeited his dignity the first time the gamma radiation turned him into a duck. Then he actually says it out loud, in case Bruce wasn't getting the message.

"All right, all right," says Bruce. "Aflac."

**Author's Note:**

> I swear I hadn't heard [I Want a New Duck](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOL2q8leiLw) until I started trying to work out a title tonight. It's terrifyingly appropriate. And if anatidaephobia is still confusing you, [this comic](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m90zefhKFP1rbs5emo1_500.gif) might help.


End file.
